woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
