3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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