This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
