when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
