I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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