my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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