She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Someone signed my nipple.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
