i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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