I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I AM VODKA MAN
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
