Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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