walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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