the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
23 Medical Examiners Reveal The Most Disturbing Causes Of Death They’ve Seen
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me