6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.