we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I bet he comes in French.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires