so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex