I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
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Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
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But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?