I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
