I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
