I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
