I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
