we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
