In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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