A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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