turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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