At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
