What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
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The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
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Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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