I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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