They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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