one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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