sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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