Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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