He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
