when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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