There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
