ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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