I wanna passion pit in your ass
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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