And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Randomize
