I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
