i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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