That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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