i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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