just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
