I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
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