you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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