I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
