i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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