this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
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i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
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I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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