I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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