Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.