she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
