My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
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I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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