He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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