The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
