$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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