cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
