Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
