i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
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I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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