my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
