took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Randomize
