we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
