I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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