he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
