dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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