I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
