I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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