Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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